Our local Facebook group is a wonderful litmus test for what is really tickling the G Spot of Middle England. Pot holes, a war in the Middle East, flooding issues, unnecessary road closures…none of these register even a flicker because they are drowned out by the only topic of the day – the introduction of self-service tills at Waitrose. The anger and sheer disbelief vented in the now 3,264 comments prove what a controversial and meaningful issue this. I fear we lost one customer mid rant to a heart attack because their comment tragically fizzled out. “I had to start again when the bl**dy scanner failed to recognized my ginger and liquorice root tea. This is a total and utter…” then it just stopped, poor soul. 

When I gently mentioned there might be more to life, I was hit with an astonishing backlash. Jerry and Cynthia from the golf club subjected me to some vicious waterboarding, (Jerry was in the forces), the taste of alkaline water with apple cider vinegar will never leave me. Dorothy from my Pilates class pepper sprayed me with a subtle mixture of ripe chili peppers flavored with mace, turmeric and vanilla. Fellow Rotarian, Colin, pinned me down and repeatedly smashed me over the head with a rolled-up copy of the Waitrose Food magazine. Can you imagine the trauma of seeing Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall’s grinning face repeatedly thundering towards your mush? On the bright side, mid-assault, I did spot his lovely recipe for a warm leek and white bean salad.